OzEaN's ViEw

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Short but aims high

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Why I wanted to be single

This morning I woke up at around 8:30am (I meant really woke up...I usually wake up at wee hours in the morning and then I go back to sleep), an hour before my alarm was set. But I didn't want to get up because I usually don't get to sleep in. When I was starting to fall asleep again, my co-worker called me. I didn't recognize the number so I picked it up because maybe it's "business." He just wanted to know something about the movie Harry Potter but he didn't ask because based on my voice, he figured I was sleeping when he called. He knew how important my sleep is, since most of my friends know how much I work - both in job and in school - plus I get insomnia attacks more times than I wanted. So he said he would just call me back. He didn't, of course, but oh well.

I started work at 12:15pm. Work was uneventful, less busy than usual. I got off work before 7pm and went straight to the district Holiday Party. It was held in the bowling alley. The games and the shoes were paid for. I didn't really want to go, especially after finding out that there wasn't going to be food. But I had to go because the boss of my boss was expecting me. It was also a given that I had to show up because I'm up for promotion next year. To make things worse, my boss called me before I left work and said she couldn't make it. She can bail but I cant. Go figure. And just an icing on top, none of my co-workers came. I was the only representative while other partners from the district were able to go. Bummer. I only stayed an hour. I bowled one game. I suck at bowling but it was nice that I at least managed to get a "passing" score. I got 73 out of a 100.

At least my manager's phone call had good things. She told me that my raise was being pushed through because they had to make retro adjustments, that I had another review coming up so I'll have another raise, and that I was eligible for bonus which I will get in my next pay check.

I left at around 8pm. I figured if I'm not comfortable then I might as well just go home and watch "Gilmore Girls." After the program, I went to the kitchen and cooked some dinner. I was starving. "One Tree Hill" was on so I watched it while eating. The whole love saga in that show reminded me on why I wanted to be single.



Monday, November 29, 2004

the ones who walk away from Omelas

Not much done today. After work, I just stayed home. Anyway, I promised some friends that I'll post this short story on my blog. It's one of my favorites:

The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas
by Ursula K. Le Guin

With a clamor of bells that set the swallows soaring, the Festival of Summer came to the city Omelas, bright-towered by the sea. The rigging of the boats in harbor sparkled with flags. In the streets between houses with red roofs and painted walls, between old moss-grown gardens and under avenues of trees, past great parks and public buildings, processions moved. Some were decorous: old people in long stiff robes of mauve and grey, grave master workmen, quiet, merry women carrying their babies and chatting as they walked. In other streets the music beat faster, a shimmering of gong and tambourine, and the people went dancing, the procession was a dance. Children dodged in and out, their high calls rising like the swallows' crossing flights over the music and the singing. All the processions wound towards the north side of the city, where on the great water-meadow called the Green Fields boys and girls, naked in the bright air, with mud-stained feet and ankles and long, lithe arms, exercised their restive horses before the race. The horses wore no gear at all but a halter without bit. Their manes were braided with streamers of silver, gold, and green. They flared their nostrils and pranced and boasted to one another; they were vastly excited, the horse being the only animal who has adopted our ceremonies as his own. Far off to the north and west the mountains stood up half encircling Omelas on her bay. The air of morning was so clear that the snow still crowning the Eighteen Peaks burned with white-gold fire across the miles of sunlit air, under the dark blue of the sky. There was just enough wind to make the banners that marked the racecourse snap and flutter now and then. In the silence of the broad green meadows one could hear the music winding through the city streets, farther and nearer and ever approaching, a cheerful faint sweetness of the air that from time to time trembled and gathered together and broke out into the great joyous clanging of the bells.

Joyous! How is one to tell about joy? How describe the citizens of Omelas?

They were not simple folk, you see, though they were happy. But we do not say the words of cheer much any more. All smiles have become archaic. Given a description such as this one tends to make certain assumptions. Given a description such as this one tends to look next for the King, mounted on a splendid stallion and surrounded by his noble knights, or perhaps in a golden litter borne by great-muscled slaves. But there was no king. They did not use swords, or keep slaves. They were not barbarians. I do not know the rules and laws of their society, but I suspect that they were singularly few. As they did without monarchy and slavery, so they also got on without the stock exchange, the advertisement, the secret police, and the bomb. Yet I repeat that these were not simple folk, not dulcet shepherds, noble savages, bland utopians. They were not less complex than us. The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain. If you can't lick 'em, join 'em. If it hurts, repeat it. But to praise despair is to condemn delight, to embrace violence is to lose hold of everything else. We have almost lost hold; we can no longer describe a happy man, nor make any celebration of joy. How can I tell you about the people of Omelas? They were not naive and happy children--though their children were, in fact, happy. They were mature, intelligent, passionate adults whose lives were not wretched. O miracle! but I wish I could describe it better. I wish I could convince you. Omelas sounds in my words like a city in a fairy tale, long ago and far away, once upon a time. Perhaps it would be best if you imagined it as your own fancy bids, assuming it will rise to the occasion, for certainly I cannot suit you all. For instance, how about technology? I think that there would be no cars or helicopters in and above the streets; this follows from the fact that the people of Omelas are happy people. Happiness is based on a just discrimination of what is necessary, what is neither necessary nor destructive, and what is destructive. In the middle category, however--that of the unnecessary but undestructive, that of comfort, luxury, exuberance, etc.--they could perfectly well have central heating, subway trains, washing machines, and all kinds of marvelous devices not yet invented here, floating light-sources, fuelless power, a cure for the common cold. Or they could have none of that; it doesn't matter. As you like it. I incline to think that people from towns up and down the coast have been coming in to Omelas during the last days before the Festival on very fast little trains and double-decked trams, and that the train station of Omelas is actually the handsomest building in town, though plainer than the magnificent Farmers' Market. But even granted trains, I fear that Omelas so far strikes some of you as goody-goody. Smiles, bells, parades, horses, bleh. If so, please add an orgy. If an orgy would help, don't hesitate. Let us not, however, have temples from which issue beautiful nude priests and priestesses already half in ecstasy and ready to copulate with any man or woman, lover or stranger, who desires union with the deep godhead of the blood, although that was my first idea. But really it would be better not to have any temples in Omelas--at least, not manned temples. Religion yes, clergy no. Surely the beautiful nudes can just wander about, offering themselves like divine souffles to the hunger of the needy and the rapture of the flesh. Let them join the processions. Let tambourines be struck above the copulations, and the glory of desire be proclaimed upon the gongs, and (a not unimportant point) let the offspring of these delightful rituals be beloved and looked after by all. One thing I know there is none of in Omelas is guilt. But what else should there be? I thought at first there were not drugs, but that is puritanical. For those who like it, the faint insistent sweetness of drooz may perfume the ways of the city, drooz which first brings a great lightness and brilliance to the mind and limbs, and then after some hours a dreamy languor, and wonderful visions at last of the very arcana and inmost secrets of the Universe, as well as exciting the pleasure of sex beyond belief; and it is not habit-forming. For more modest tastes I think there ought to be beer. What else, what else belongs in the joyous city? The sense of victory, surely, the celebration of courage. But as we did without clergy, let us do without soldiers. The joy built upon successful slaughter is not the right kind of joy; it will not do; it is fearful and it is trivial. A boundless and generous contentment, a magnanimous triumph felt not against some outer enemy but in communion with the finest and fairest in the souls of all men everywhere and the splendor of the world's summer: this is what swells the hearts of the people of Omelas, and the victory they celebrate is that of life. I really don't think many of them need to take drooz.

Most of the procession have reached the Green Fields by now. A marvelous smell of cooking goes forth from the red and blue tents of the provisioners. The faces of small children are amiably sticky; in the benign grey beard of a man a couple of crumbs of rich pastry are entangled. The youths and girls have mounted their horses and are beginning to group around the starting line of the course. An old women, small, fat, and laughing, is passing out flowers from a basket, and tall young men where her flowers in their shining hair. A child of nine or ten sits at the edge of the crowd, alone, playing on a wooden flute. People pause to listen, and they smile, but they do not speak to him, for he never ceases playing and never sees them, his dark eyes wholly rapt in the sweet, thin magic of the tune.

He finishes, and slowly lowers his hands holding the wooden flute.

As if that little private silence were the signal, all at once a trumpet sounds from the pavilion near the starting line: imperious, melancholy, piercing. The horses rear on their slender legs, and some of them neigh in answer. Sober-faced, the young riders stroke the horses' necks and soothe them, whispering, "Quiet, quiet, there my beauty, my hope...." They begin to form in rank along the starting line. The crowds along the racecourse are like a field of grass and flowers in the wind. The Festival of Summer has begun.

Do you believe? Do you accept the festival, the city, the joy? No? Then let me describe one more thing.

In a basement under one of the beautiful public buildings of Omelas, or perhaps in the cellar of one of its spacious private homes, there is a room. It has one locked door, and no window. A little light seeps in dustily between cracks in the boards, secondhand from a cobwebbed window somewhere across the cellar. In one corner of the little room a couple of mops, with stiff, clotted, foul-smelling heads stand near a rusty bucket. The floor is dirt, a little damp to the touch, as cellar dirt usually is. The room is about three paces long and two wide: a mere broom closet or disused tool room. In the room a child is sitting. It could be a boy or a girl. It looks about six, but actually is nearly ten. It is feeble-minded. Perhaps it was born defective, or perhaps it has become imbecile through fear, malnutrition, and neglect. It picks its nose and occasionally fumbles vaguely with its toes or genitals, as it sits hunched in the corner farthest from the bucket and the two mops. It is afraid of the mops. It finds them horrible. It shuts its eyes, but it knows the mops are still standing there; and the door is locked; and nobody will come. The door is always locked; and nobody ever comes, except that sometimes--the child has no understanding of time or interval--sometimes the door rattles terribly and opens, and a person, or several people, are there. One of them may come in and kick the child to make it stand up. The others never come close, but peer in at it with frightened, disgusted eyes. The food bowl and the water jug are hastily filled, the door is locked, the eyes disappear. The people at the door never say anything, but the child, who has not always lived in the tool room, and can remember sunlight and its mother's voice, sometimes speaks. "I will be good," it says. "Please let me out. I will be good!" They never answer. The child used to scream for help at night, and cry a good deal, but now it only makes a kind of whining, "eh-haa, eh-haa," and it speaks less and less often. It is so thin there are no calves to its legs; its belly protrudes; it lives on a half-bowl of corn meal and grease a day. It is naked. Its buttocks and thighs are a mass of festered sores, as it sits in its own excrement continually.

They all know it is there, all the people of Omelas. Some of them have come to see it, others are content merely to know it is there. They all know that it has to be there. Some of them understand why, and some do not, but they all understand that their happiness, the beauty of their city, the tenderness of their friendships, the health of their children, the wisdom of their scholars, the skill of their makers, even the abundance of their harvest and the kindly weathers of their skies, depend wholly on this child's abominable misery.

This is usually explained to children when they are between eight and twelve, whenever they seem capable of understanding; and most of those who come to see the child are young people, though often enough an adult comes, or comes back, to see the child. No matter how well the matter has been explained to them, these young spectators are always shocked and sickened at the sight. They feel disgust, which they had thought themselves superior to. They feel anger, outrage, impotence, despite all the explanations. They would like to do something for the child. But there is nothing they can do. If the child were brought up into the sunlight out of that vile place, if it were cleaned and fed and comforted, that would be a good thing indeed; but if it were done, in that day and hour all the prosperity and beauty and delight of Omelas would wither and be destroyed. Those are the terms. To exchange all the goodness and grace of every life in Omelas for that single, small improvement: to throw away the happiness of thousands for the chance of the happiness of one: that would be to let guilt within the walls indeed.

The terms are strict and absolute; there may not even be a kind word spoken to the child.

Often the young people go home in tears, or in a tearless rage, when they have seen the child and faced this terrible paradox. They may brood over it for weeks or years. But as time goes on they begin to realize that even if the child could be released, it would not get much good of its freedom: a little vague pleasure of warmth and food, no doubt, but little more. It is too degraded and imbecile to know any real joy. It has been afraid too long ever to be free of fear. Its habits are too uncouth for it to respond to humane treatment. Indeed, after so long it would probably be wretched without walls about it to protect it, and darkness for its eyes, and its own excrement to sit in. Their tears at the bitter injustice dry when they begin to perceive the terrible justice of reality, and to accept it. Yet it is their tears and anger, the trying of their generosity and the acceptance of their helplessness, which are perhaps the true source of the splendor of their lives. Theirs is no vapid, irresponsible happiness. They know that they, like the child, are not free. They know compassion. It is the existence of the child, and their knowledge of its existence, that makes possible the nobility of their architecture, the poignancy of their music, the profundity of their science. It is because of the child that they are so gentle with children. They know that if the wretched one were not there sniveling in the dark, the other one, the flute-player, could make no joyful music as the young riders line up in their beauty for the race in the sunlight of the first morning of summer.

Now do you believe in them? Are they not more credible? But there is one more thing to tell, and this is quite incredible.

At times one of the adolescent girls or boys who go to see the child does not go home to weep or rage, does not, in fact, go home at all. Sometimes also a man or woman much older falls silent for a day or two, and then leaves home. These people go out into the street, and walk down the street alone. They keep walking, and walk straight out of the city of Omelas, through the beautiful gates. They keep walking across the farmlands of Omelas. Each one goes alone, youth or girl, man or woman. Night falls; the traveler must pass down village streets, between the houses with yellow-lit windows, and on out into the darkness of the fields. Each alone, they go west or north, towards the mountains. They go on. They leave Omelas, they walk ahead into the darkness, and they do not come back. The place they go towards is a place even less imaginable to most of us than the city of happiness. I cannot describe it at all. It is possible that it does not exist. But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Some days are just brutally uneventful

Yesterday after work, I helped my friend run some errands. We then watched a movie at the "cheap theater," strolled in an outlet store and went back to her place for dinner because we were both financially challenged at the moment.

Today after work, my co-worker and I went to the Thai restaurant that my other co-worker recommended. It was closed. We went to the other Thai-Viet restaurant down the street. It was closed. We went to the Viet restaurant 15 minutes away and finally able to eat. Good food, great avocado pearl shake.

I finally did my laundry. My friend/co-worker asked me if wanted to join him hiking but I was too lazy and tired so I passed. I don't want be in pain when I work tomorrow, especially when I have to start work at 4:45 am. Some days are just brutally uneventful.

Friday, November 26, 2004

I thank God everyday that I'm alive

It's been a while since I last posted. Busy life...the usual work-school. My friend from back home visited me, flew in instead of driving 7 hours, and stayed with me for 5 days. I toured her around, going places that were at least 2 hours for one-way. She got here on 11/18 and left on her bday, 11/23. I took days off from work to give her company and show her places from 11/20-22 and went back to work 11/23 pm after I dropped her from the airport. It was fun but cruel in the pocket. I still have to pay my credit card bill.

I spent thanksgiving at my friend's house but I'm coming home for Christmas. It's actually going to be a long vacation, well, longer than usual for me. I took 10 days off from work and will fly home. Thanksgiving was fun, though. We ate fishballs and squidballs instead of turkey. We all had cravings for fishballs so we decided to cook it. One of my friends knew how to make the sauce and it was fantastic. I called home to greet them and my aunt because it was her bday. From what they said and what I heard, my aunt's (different one) house where the thanksgiving party took place (no such thing as just dinner in my family - always party because how much family, friends and relatives we have) was packed. I'm homesick but I'm not lonely. I don't know...I miss being with my loud, big family but I like living alone. I don't know yet how long I'm going to stay away, I'm finishing school this December.

I have the day off today and I'm feeling lazy. I should be doing my laundry, I have nothing to wear tomorrow for work. Maybe I'll do it later. Or I'll just find something else to wear.

I've been stressed. I'm still stressed. I'll be stressed for a while. But life is still good. I still know how blessed I am. And I thank God everyday that I'm alive.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

I'm tired but I'm still standing

Yesterday I basically just did my paper that was due the same day for my night class.

Today, I did my laundry at 10am because I haven't done it all week and I needed something to wear for work. I started work at noon. I was only supposed to work until 4pm but my co-worker got sick so I had to cover for her. I ended up staying until 8:30pm.

After work, I went to my friend's house. They were having a dinner for friends. Some talks. Some laughs. Some quiet moments. Some educational discussions. Good food. Good friends. We went home at almost 11:30pm Tomorrow I have work in different location. This Sunday I have work again. I'm tired but I'm still standing.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Tomorrow is another day

I saw the time ticking so fast. I watched the days go by rapidly. Yet I'm having a long week. And it's only Thursday. Another challenge, another crisis, another opportunity. Tomorrow is another day.

Monday, November 08, 2004

The same me but a day older

Yesterday after church and lunch, few of my friends and I drove my friend's grandpa around since he was new to the country. Afterwards, we just had a hang out night (before, during and after their dance practice...well, I joined in, too...somehow...)

I got home at around 10:30pm and woke up before 4am to get ready for work. I just stayed home after work so I could rest. I did my powerpoint slides for my group presentation and e-mailed it to my groupmate. I started (sort of) my paper and all in all just catching up. Nothing extraordinary today. The same me but a day older.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

I can finally go to bed

Last night my co-workers and I went to the city. It was one of my co-workers' birthday and some of our company got really drunk. Two of them passed out! I really don't get the concept of drinking. They said that you have to get the buzz before you really appreciate it. I don't drink. I hate the taste and I hate the after taste. I couldn't past 2 sips and that's only when my friends beg me to drink. Peer pressure really don't do a lot to me. I'm quite stubborn. If I don't like something, I don't like it - no matter how much everybody else loves it. Alcohol (and cigarettes) aren't really my thing. I don't get how people can drink those stuff. Maybe it's because I'm picky with my drinks. I don't even drink coffee and I'm surrounded by caffeine almost everyday! I don't mind being around people who drinks or smokes, hell they can even do drugs in front of me as long as they don't harm me. I just don't like doing those things myself. I sometimes remind my friends not to drink but I don't nag them. They're old enough to know what's right and wrong.

Anyway, I got home few minutes before 4am. I worked at 10am. My housemate's daughter started celebrating her birthday at 4pm, I got home about hour and a half before. Well, let's just say that resting is out of question when there are 10 screaming 10-year-old girls out in the leaving room. No matter how hard I tried, it was useless. So what else can I do but get out of bed and join the party. It started mellowing down at 7pm. The girls went home and most of the people left were adults (who can keep their voices down). So I went back in my room, checked my messages and updated my blog. I can finally go to bed.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Party up

I was able to have someone work for me today so I could go to my job interview . I think the interview went well. Still, it's up to the panel (there were 3 interviewers) to decide, given also the experience and knowledge of other applicants. I'm not getting my hopes up. Though it would be a big help for me financially and professionally (experience-wise), I won't be disappointed if I don't get it. I'm next in line to be promoted in the company I'm working at right now, anyway.

For now, I'm heading to the city to celebrate my co-worker's birthday. Party up!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

at least I tried

[Middle English stresse, hardship, partly from destresse(from Old French. See distress), and partly from Old French estrece, narrowness, oppression (from Vulgar Latin *strictia, from Latin strictus, past participle of stringere, to draw tight.)

More to do list:

1) call mom and dad again
2) call car insurance
3) print own copy of resume
4) print list of reference
5) study for another midterm
6) pick up mail
7) stop by for brw
8) stop by for tips
9) stop by for coffee beans

*must complete by 5pm. I have job interview this Friday. I really want the job. Let's see what happens. But if nothing else, I can say that 'at least I tried.'

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

life gets shorter than it originally is

To Do List:

1) call mom and dad
2) check finals week schedule
3) finish essays
4) call apt for deposit
5) take care of car insurance fee
6) measurement for cousin groom
7) research methods for group work
8) study for midterm
9) do assessment for work
10) check up on aunt who had surgery

*Must finish by Wednesday before 5pm

Because life is borrowed, it is a given that it is short. But due to unwarranted stress and piling up responisibilites, life gets shorter than it originally is.

Monday, November 01, 2004

In the end, we deal as we go.

The unpredictability of life is often seen when the thing that you thought wouldn't change does, when the people you think wouldn't falter do, and when the stable beliefs that you have are questioned. When all these things happen at once, what do you do? Do you go with the flow? Do you rebel against it? Or do you pave your own way? What changes are you willing to implement at any kinds of risk that come with it? What things would be left untouched? Life is not made to be fair. But if the unfairness exudes happiness, maybe it's time the way of life be changed. In the end, we deal as we go.