Afraid to say it out loud

So I gave him away. Shrek is now enjoying the tank with Fiona at Y's house. I'll miss my turtle.

24th of March after my work, I went home and got dressed then I picked up Y. We were chatting while driving to our co-worker's bday at the "adult" arcade (they start ID-ing people at 10pm for below 21). So we were driving and laughing until C called us asking where we were. Lo and behold, I took the north instead of south. So we got lost and asked a cop for directions and we still got lost and long story short, we got there at almost 11:30pm. We left Y's house at 9:30. As if that wasn't bad enough, the line was quarter of a mile long to get in. It was cold and the line was barely moving because they weren't letting people in anymore until some people inside leave because of the max number of people that they can house at a time. We finally got in few minutes before midnight. Y and I didn't play games, we just ate and hang out with the others. And I finally met C's ex boyfriend. Then I became more confused because I had absolutely no idea what she saw in that guy. He was arrogant, loud, full of air, and down-right annoying. Everyone was really annoyed with him but no one would say anything out of respect for C. I mean, the guy was no gentleman at all. When I left my seat, he sat down and when I came back, he didn't even offer any of us girls a seat. Fine. But what irritated me the most was that C was the one who paid for his food, possibily even his drinks and games. Grr.

25th night we were going to a party but when we drove by it wasn't really cracking. So we decided to met upt with CaPa and then again, we got lost. About half-hour later we found our way and then we went bar-lounge hopping. No one was really feelin' it so we went home early. 1am was early for us, ok! Most of us were tired so no one was really trippin.

26th was the girls night out. We went salsa dancing. I didn't know how to salsa but I was trying to learn. There was also a hip-hop room, though remarkably small compared to the salsa dance floor. The place was really nice, with aquarium for saltwater creatures everywhere. I had fun.

27th was Easter Sunday. I attended church at 10am and then lunch after. I played touch-football (touch instead of tackle) with my friends before setting off to work at 2pm. I stayed home that night to rest.

On Monday, the 28th, I called my DM and found out that I didn't have an April interview. Bummer. So I started telling everyone that I was leaving the area as soon as I got my transfer near my parents' house. I would love to stay but my expenses can't hack it. My bills are piling up and my new car payment would start next month and my student loan payment would start June. So right when I got back, I looked for places where I can transfer and started calling people up. One manager told me to call another manager because he was looking for a shift supervisor. I went to the gym that night to release some tension and steam. I was pissed off so I figured that I 'll just be productive with it. I got there at almost 7pm. Worked on my cardio and abs for 30 minutes and then joined the kickboxing class at 7:30. I left at past 8pm.

Forward to the 29th, I called the manager I was referred to and I told him that I would be down there again next weekend. I'm meeting him on the 9th at 9:30am. I am most likely going to get transferred or he wouldn't have asked me to meet him. That was what happened when I transferred to my workplace right now. I was met by my former manager for formality. Last night we went out to dinner (with Th and Sy) after work. Good food, good friends. I'll miss them. I told them to come visit me anytime.

I worked earlier today until 2:30pm. I was going to hike but I got lazy. So I bummed out instead and watched Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. It was an ok movie. A real teeny bopper movie. Tonight would be a girl's night out. Dinner with my girls and possibly watch Miss Congeniality 2.

Some people can picture themselves ahead of time and make it happen. Some people wishes for something and they get the exact opposite. I'm having a hard time seeing what's in it for me in the future because of the unpredictability of my environment...or maybe because I don't have a certain goal that I want to accomplish...which makes it hard to sense what's in store for me. I want to see the world but I don't know how to do it. I want to experience everything but I'm afraid to get hurt. I want to be in control but I'm gun shy. I want to dream but of what? I'm wanting something but I don't exactly what...or maybe I'm just afraid to say it out loud...

This is all the dosage I could take for now

I can't sleep. I've been thinking of so many stuff that I figured I might as well put them down to words so that I can somehow clear my head and maybe I can finally go to sleep. Just random thoughts and events, nothing major.

I had my follow up doctor's appointment on March 14th. My doctor said that the ultrasound indicated that the tissue that causes lump in my breast is non-cancerous. She gave me 3 options. First, I can have her get a sample tissue for 100% accuracy (ultrasound is 90% accurate). Second, I can get it surgically removed if I'm really bothered by it because some women don't like having lump. Three, I can do nothing - have an appointment in 6 months again just to make sure. So I chose number three. There's no need to spend the money that I don't have if I don't have to. She said staying low on caffeine would help and some Vitamin E.

Well, I've been sick for a while now. Nothing serious, really. I've just been couging a lot still. A little bit of cold but no fever. I think it's because I haven't really been resting. The only days that I got some rest were March 15 and 16. On March 15, I wasn't feeling well but I still went to work from 4:45-9:45am because nobody can cover my shift. I didn't mind since it was just five hours. When I went home I just stayed on bed all day. I ate soup and I rested. I didn't even stay in front of the computer long. The 16th was my complete day off so I just stayed home and rested. I worked on the 17th and then at 2am of the 18th, me and my friends/co-workers started our 7-hour drive to my parents' house to spend the weekend there.

We got to my parents' house at around 9am. It was drizzling which pretty much sucked because we wanted to be outdoors. We rested for a while after breakfast then I woke up at around 1pm. We ate lunch then my friends and I, along with my dad and eldest brother, went to the car dealership. My brother traded his car for a new one (nissan sentra - he got the same model but different year and with more features) and I bought a new car (honda civic ex) while my dad got the one that I was using. That car (sentra '03) was under my dad's name in the first place but I was the one paying the monthly. Since I've been paying the monthly, my dad put the down payment for my car. It wasn't much but it was something. I'm going to start my monthly payment in May.

I found out that my sister has scoliosis. It was a minor curve that I hope will be corrected soon.

That same night, I took my friends out clubbing. I wasn't able to meet my friends from the area because they all had plans. They wanted to do a barbecue the next day but I already had plans with my family. Anyway, my friends (CaPa, Th, Y) liked the club. We went home at almost 2am.

Our next day was spent shopping. It was funny because the boys basically were the ones who did the shopping while me and Y bought very few stuff. My mom and my second older brother went with us, too. Y and I bought baby turtles also. They were very cute and so we wanted one for a pet. I also bought a belt. Yup. Those were the only ones I bought. My brother bought an old school family computer games, which he later on gave to me. He's such a sweetheart.

At night, it was a typical family gathering for us. Our relatives came over as usual, making up an excuse to get together. This time, the get together was about the boxing fight of Paquiao (sp?) and Morales. It was really loud but fun. It didn't hurt that the food was good, too. The teenagers and post-teenagers made an escape from the "old" ones and went upstairs. My second older brother and his girlfriend, among with Y, Th, my sister, my niece and I played Cranium. CaPa was passed out both from being tired and from being drunk. My eldest brother left for work already, he works graveyard shift. The game was fun, especially because of my second older brother. He's hilarious. Partly because he was buzzed from alcohol. The game was a blast. We also watched part of the old movie "Rosemary's Baby." It was boring. We didn't finish it before we even called it a night at 2am.

The next day, me and my sister went to church while my two older brothers fixed the new furniture in the house. My friends were resting and my parents were supervising the other carpenter who was fixing the new kitchen cabinet. Then CaPa found someone to cover my shift for Monday morning so we got to stay one more day. We picked up my younger brother who was in military training for the weekend. We(My three brothers, my sister and my friends) went to the beach that afternoon. My younger brother got a henna tattoo just to see what my mom's reaction...and it was funny! We also went to the carnival pier. We got home at around 9pm. We packed our things, I grocery shopped at my parents' kitchen and toiletries, I wrote a letter for my sister to be given to the principal telling them of her condition, we finished the movie and then we slept before midnight.

At 4am of the 21st, we ate breakfast and then left for our long drive. After dropping everyone off, I unpacked my car, clean my room a bit, took a shower, making sure my pet was still alive, I then slept until about 6 or 7pm. I went online until I decided to go back to sleep at 3am.

The next day was back to reality. I wrote down my schedule and it said there I was expected at work at 2pm. At 1:30pm, my co-worker told me that I was supposed to be there at 1pm. I got off at 8:30pm. I worked with Th and we decided to eat out for dinner and watch Ring2 after. The movie was ok. Not really scary, a couple of jumpy parts. It was more on explaing what was going on in the first movie. I've watched the Japanese version which was a trilogy. Since they changed a lot of stuff in the American version, the sequel is almost exactly different from the Japanese version. I hope that there is no third part on the American version because they already put closure on it.

Today, I worked until 1pm. I then ran some errands. I went to the bank, I went to buy a table, I called the insurance for my car. Then I had dinner with C and Th. Afterwards, I dropped off a printing of scholarships info at Y's house because she was looking for scholarships. I brought my turtle (shrek) supposedly to visit Y's turtle (fiona). Y bought a tank for Fiona with heater, filter and lamp. Turtles are supposed to have a warm environment for their appetite. Both our turtles haven't been really eating. She offered if I want Shrek to stay in the tank for now. Y will buy shrimp tomorrow to feed the turtles and maybe their appetite will pick up because we don't see them eating the pellets. I said yes and left Shrek there and his box.

Which leads me to my first dilemma. I'm torn on whether to keep Shrek or give her to Y. Y's mom likes the turtle, too, and even asked Y to ask me if I'd want to sell it to her. Y's brother might get another one so Fiona won't be lonely. I found a tank with a system already for a cheaper price that I could buy Friday. But the commitment phobic in me wants to give Shrek to Y. The other side of me is telling me that it's about time that I take a chance. I know it sounds silly but this is a big step for me. I don't like taking responsibilities. I'm afraid of taking responsibilities. I've never had an actual pet that lasted before because I was never good at it (might have something to do with my commitment issues). My friend gave me a puppy when we were freshemen. It died. My other friend gave me an Iguana (I liked it, too) when I was a junior. It escaped. I had a fish just one day before new year's. Four days later, it died. Setting up a home for a turtle is expensive already, not to mention the responsibilities that come with it. Turtles grow really big, too. I'm rarely home and I'm afraid I might neglect it. I'm also afraid that even if I put out the effort, it'll just die when it could've lived if someone else had taken care of it. I don't know. But I need to figure this out by tomorrow so if I decide to give it to Y, I can call the owner of the tank and tell him that I won't be buying it.

The second dilemma would be career. I might have a meeting with my district manager about my panel interview this April. I also received an e-mail from the company I applied for before and they want to setup an interview. That company is located within driving miles from my parents house. I was going again to my parents house in April for my dad's birthday but if I setup an interview, I would have to stay longer than a weekend which would be a problem because my friend can only go with me to drive down Friday afternoon after her class and we have to come back Sunday because she has class Monday. I don't want to drive alone because: 1)my dad won't let me, 2)it's not safe, 3)it's boring, 4)I might be tired on my drive back that I might fall asleep which, last I heard, is dangerous when driving. So right now I'll try to see how the meeting will go this Friday and then I'll decide.

So I guess I'll go to sleep now. This is all the dosage I could take for now.

Intentions means nothing without action

Since I've been lazy and haven't posted anything in a month, I'm going to have to post the run-down version, less detailed, kinda long post for February.

Feb. 2 : I honestly can't remember what I did

Feb. 3 : All I know was that I worked until 8:30pm

Feb. 4 : After my work (8:30pm), we went to my co-worker's house party. It was packed with people. We had a good time. At past 1am, we drove all the way to the city just to get some crepes. We got home at around 4am.

Feb. 5 : Two words - Party Bus. It was a blast. We stopped by to L11 lounge and to SnDr club. I went with my friends C, Th, CaPa and Y. C, as usual had a drunken phone call exclusively made for her ex boyfriend. She stayed at my place so she could sleep before going home at 9am.

Feb. 6 : I worked until 8:30pm again but didn't go out after.

Feb. 7 : I worked until 4:30pm and then we went to Gra lounge at night.

Feb. 8 : I had my doctor's appointment at 2:45pm because I felt a lump on my right breast. when I was on my way home, the cops were blocking the entrance to the "village" so I just went straight to Y's house. At around 4ish pm, me, Y and CaPa went hiking at the peak. We then went to have some tapioca (doctor's order said I can't have caffeine so I had banana milk) while waiting for Th. When Th got out of school, we met him at the pasta place and ate dinner.

Feb. 9 : I worked until 3:45pm. I think this was the night when me and C helped Th buy a gift for his gal pal's bday.

Feb. 10: I worked until 8:30pm. I don't think I went out.

Feb. 11: I worked until 8:30pm and then we met up at CaPa's place. We then left for the city where he was going to have his bday bash. We stopped by first at the hotel and then we went to Gra lounge. We left the Gra lounge and walked to another lounge, BlTr. I perosnally prefer the BlTr lounge. On our way to BlTr, my friend and co-worker An was having arguement over the phone with his lady. We went back to the hotel at around 3am. We (me, Y, Th and An) went back home at 3:30am.

Feb. 12: After work (the usual 8:30pm), we just hang out at CaPa's house with some pizza, churros and chocolate dip. We watched Sleeping in Seatle and Mr. 3000.

Feb. 13: Me and Y was going to hike but it started drizzling so we just decided to eat out. Th met us there. We watched Boogeyman after dinner. It was an ok movie...could've been worse like Darkness (I hate that movie!).

Feb. 14: I worked in the morning so I got out early. My friends and I met up at the tapioca place, this time I got avocado. We bounced at 11pm.

Feb. 15: CaPa's actual birthday. We went to steak house for his birthday dinner after my work.

Feb. 16-19: Big gap. I can't really remember what I did. I know I must've worked and I just know that sometime within that frame, we watched a movie in CaPa's house and did laundry.

Feb. 20: Me, Y and CaPa watched Constantine. Good movie.

Feb. 21-22: I think these were just workdays.

Feb. 23: I had my ultrasound and then went straight to work.

Feb. 24: Work

Feb. 25: Work and then we hit the club N with Y, Th, CaPa, Chr and C. C and Th both got really drunk. They both threw up. And of course, C's drunken phone call. We went to get food at around 3am. Long wait though.

Feb. 26: Went to SJ for a meeting at 2pm and then went to pick up my mails at my cousin's house.

Feb. 27: Workday

Feb. 28: Th sprained his ankle so he got someone cover his shift. I worked in morning and then went to Sta. Cr with CaPa, Th and Y. When we were at the shore, big wave came and we were running so we won't get wet. It was funny how Th hopped! Lots of surfers out that day. I was home at 9:30pm and picked up by C because she was craving for squidballs so we went to the Q. I wasn't already feeling well that night. I was losing my voice and my throat was really dry. I just helped C do her grocery shopping and then she dropped me off by midnight.

Mar. 1 : Before 3am I woke up and my throat was burning. It hurt so bad that I was so scared. I gargled warm water with salt and then I drank one glass of water. It helped a bit and then I was able to get some sleep. Worked in the morning(8am). I didnt have much voice when I went to work but I was slowly gaining it back by the afternoon. CaPa got to work early so I was able to leave early. I took a nap in the afternoon then went to the gym with Y even though I was already kinda sick. Go figure.

Mar 2 : I was sore because of the gym. My sinus was also clogged up. CaPa called me at around 10am. He was gonna have me work but after hearing my voice, guess he figured I couldn't. Lucky me, I had this day scheduled for day off. How convenient. In the afternoon, my friend Do came by. We went to her house before 3pm and ate before I dropped her off to work. Before 6pm, C picked me up and we went to the mall. She bought a pair of shoes. I was going to buy the same one but they didn't have my size so I'll just come back next week. Afterwards, we watched the movie Hitch. I loved this movie. Lots of great lines. I got home at around 11:30pm.

Mar 3 : I got the day off. I called my bank to send me another card. I intend to rest, but intentions means nothing without action.