scared

I'm scared. I always go home about once or twice a month to visit my family. A few hours ago my dad called me. They were planning on visiting me on my birthday. Now, my birthday is a long time from now (August) but time goes by so fast we have to plan these things out in advance. So why am I scared? Because the year added to my life means another year less to my parents. My parents are still relatively young. My dad is 56 and my mom is turning 50 this July. But all of us are going to face death in one form or another. I'm scared because I'm not spending as much time with them as I wish I could. I don't know who said the saying "Live your life to the fullest" but it's hard to do that and spend time with your loved ones like there's no tomorrow. So my fears are escalated with my lack of time with my family. I'm blabbering, I know. I just can't imagine a life without any of my family members and I don't want to. I mentioned to one of my friends before that I'd rather die first before my parents. But then again, my parents have been through enough in their lives so why give them more grievance? What am I saying?! I don't know where all these thoughts are coming from. I'm just scared.

become me

I wish I was one of those people who wear their hearts on their sleeves. Maybe if I was one of them, I wouldn't be this reserved, I would get hurt more, I would cry more, I would allow myself to make more mistakes...I would love more...and the ache of fear, the ache of loneliness, the ache of distance would not become me.

It's frustrating...

Sometimes I feel like my beta fish and I have the same fate, or at least almost the same lifestyle. For the most part, we're both loners swimming in our own little world...pretending that we're part of the bigger world. We're both afraid that the same type of species would enter our fish bowl because we might get hurt in the process. I'm trying to change, I even flipped my career completely but I find my self retreating back more and more. I wish I knew what to do. How can someone feel independent and helpless at the same time? It's frustrating...

Thank goodness!

After three of my roommates moved out, the worst after shock was to be expected - getting new roommates. Not being able to find new roommates soon pose a major financial threat for me and the last roommate I have since we will be obliged to pay the entire amount of the apartment, plus the utilities and internet. And since we're both in the same financial both - or lack thereof - we're basically skrewed. My first insomnia attack after a year is threatening to overcome me again as the night before my trip assignment, I only was able to sleep for an hour. The day of my first trip I was fine. I even got some sleep on my layover. However, the second day of my assignment I was drained. I had to use the gym and soak into hot bath before I was able to fall asleep. The last day of my trip (TPA) I sunbathed for a couple of hours (the winter drained my color and turned me pale!) and then took a nap before my one leg assignment back to my base. But yesterday (first day of my 5-day off), on my flight home, I had the sense of feeling that everything will be ok. There's something about going home that just keep me in my center and keep me sane. Thank goodness!

close to me

Another heavy sigh. Two of my roommates got their transfers to our IAH base. They left this afternoon. I've hang out with these girls since training, one of them was actually my roommate there. We were in one evacs group...and now, just three months of living together, they've left. I guess I could've gone with them especially that the status of living there is much lower. But I want to stay here. I want to experience a different way of life. Maybe if I can't handle the life that I've chosen anymore, I'll move there too. But not yet. I think I'm adjusting to my living arrangement right now quite alright. I already miss them. I didn't get to hang out with them more because we were all flying everywhere. This job has a knack at training people not to get attached to other people or things. I'm already a private person as it is. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever let anyone get really close to me.