On the process

Is it me? Am I creating a bad karma towards others or is it the other way around? Why do I have a heavy feeling, an unidentified emotion that seeps in my heart and lingers for a long time? An unexpress sadness, guilt...worry, perhaps? Why with all the life changes I've taken and all the places I've seen so far, despite the smiling moments, gathered natural laughter and funny wits, I am still not truly happy? Have I just changed location and inside I haven't really changed? While sometimes I find myself content, why are there times that I'm restless and could not sleep? Is there something missing? Am I looking for something that is impossible to reach? Or is it because I myself am not reaching for it? Why is the beginning of my year bringing unexpected chaos, no matter how insignificant these were compared to other people's problems? Am I or am I not cut out to the life I chose? Should I let myself be drifted without protest in the series of unknown twists and turns of what's ahead of me? Or should I struggle and focus, trying to make sense of things...of me? How can I be so sure of myself and be utterly confused at the same time? Why do I want to be stable and free at the same time? Can it even be done? There's so much confusion in my heart and in my mind that I don't even know how to express it. I don't even know how to confess it to my friends or if I should at all. I have an urge to scream, to release the pent up pollution of hopeless logic in my mind and the shady emotion of my heart. I wish I know what to do...

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When former roommate - who also happen to be a drunken, pain-in-the-@ $$ one - give a phone call with the responsibilities that was supposed to be hers, thickening the skin is a must. I am learning slowly but surely in this job how to do just that. Although my expertise is being indifferent, I find that having a thick skin when it comes to certain things is becoming a big part of my personality even though I still over think some issues...I just hope that I don't lose my compassion toward people on the process.

Amuse myself

Time goes by sooooooo fast! I was able to pick up a trip that had layover in cleveland on dec. 23rd and home on christmas eve so i got to go to my friend's christmas dinner in cleveland and the christmas party back home. The down side of it was that my van time for christmas day was 6am so i basically didn't have sleep on christmas day and i did 4 flights that day! It's all worth it, though. On new year's eve, scheduling gave me a day break, which basically means day off so I was able to joing my friends from Hayward who went to NY for new year's eve. We went to Diggs' condo which was amazing. I never knew there was a refrigerator that has internet, video and tv on it! We went to bar/lounge after the countdown. I got back to my crashpad at almost 4am. I worked that afternoon.

With L.O., I think I'm over him. I don't think of him much really since the new year began. This is what scares me on getting into relationship, I get bored or tired of things easily...I move on quickly.

Anyway, the new year has brought a whole bunch of unexpected crashpad haunting. My roommates decided to all move out without enough notice so I have to move next door temporarily because one of the flight attendant there is on medical leave. I found a place to move though for the next month. It's just so hectic and stressing, especially financially.

Speaking of finance, I'm trying to save for next month - which is extremely hard considering how low my paycheck is and the bills that seems to accumulate everyday - because I'm going on vacation, at least trying to go on vacation. I have a week of vacation next month and if I can move my days off in front of it, I will be in good shape.

Winter's finally here. There were flurries last night and the temperature has been consistently in the 30's (degrees). Flurries are fine as long as it doesn't full on snow...and temperature is ok as long as it's not windy!

Well, I'm sitting airport alert right now, and the month has been slow so I don't know if I'll get used. Either way, I know I can find something to amuse myself.