On the process

Is it me? Am I creating a bad karma towards others or is it the other way around? Why do I have a heavy feeling, an unidentified emotion that seeps in my heart and lingers for a long time? An unexpress sadness, guilt...worry, perhaps? Why with all the life changes I've taken and all the places I've seen so far, despite the smiling moments, gathered natural laughter and funny wits, I am still not truly happy? Have I just changed location and inside I haven't really changed? While sometimes I find myself content, why are there times that I'm restless and could not sleep? Is there something missing? Am I looking for something that is impossible to reach? Or is it because I myself am not reaching for it? Why is the beginning of my year bringing unexpected chaos, no matter how insignificant these were compared to other people's problems? Am I or am I not cut out to the life I chose? Should I let myself be drifted without protest in the series of unknown twists and turns of what's ahead of me? Or should I struggle and focus, trying to make sense of things...of me? How can I be so sure of myself and be utterly confused at the same time? Why do I want to be stable and free at the same time? Can it even be done? There's so much confusion in my heart and in my mind that I don't even know how to express it. I don't even know how to confess it to my friends or if I should at all. I have an urge to scream, to release the pent up pollution of hopeless logic in my mind and the shady emotion of my heart. I wish I know what to do...

*~*~
When former roommate - who also happen to be a drunken, pain-in-the-@ $$ one - give a phone call with the responsibilities that was supposed to be hers, thickening the skin is a must. I am learning slowly but surely in this job how to do just that. Although my expertise is being indifferent, I find that having a thick skin when it comes to certain things is becoming a big part of my personality even though I still over think some issues...I just hope that I don't lose my compassion toward people on the process.